Monday, December 29, 2008


first we used to cry because of mom and dad
now we cry cuz we've become them.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

dreams on fire

Saturday, December 27, 2008

old, i know. deal.

what is closed behind the eyes of a fallen angel?
apparently, nothing.
apparently, nothing at all.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


Es tut mir leid.


Thursday, December 18, 2008

nobody loves me, its true.

not like you do.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

girlies =)

T : ' There are always people who are going to be judgemental, and ignorant and just plain stupid. As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and not wince, you'll be fine'
A : ' Yeah that day is gonna be like...fuck I'm pregnant'.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

i'm so Robert Pattinson-ed right now, i don't even give a fuck.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

sleep sweet

I am here to quench your thirst
I am here to make it work
Nothing bad will ever happen
As long as I am here.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

He is happiest when she strokes his hair.

She reminds me of home.

Monday, November 17, 2008

aaj mujhe darr lag raha hai.
galay laga lo maa
aur jo dukh aur koi nahin mitaa sakaa,
aaj apni mamta se mitaa do.
samait lo mujhe, sambhaal lo,
apni bahon mein mujhe zinda dafan kar do
pehle kyun nahin bataya ke ye duniya kaisi hai?
mujhe pata hota tou mein aati hee na..

Saturday, November 15, 2008

*cries into her pillow*

Friday, November 14, 2008


happy, happy, happiest birthday.
may every year be less painful than the last.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

the point is, there's no point in being the honey that lures the bees.

you're still walking home alone, baby.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

the four F's of life





Tuesday, November 4, 2008


teri ik hansi ke badlay
meri ye zameen lei le..
mera aasman lei le..

Saturday, November 1, 2008

its alright

your mind makes me nervous
your thoughts make me feel bad

Thursday, October 30, 2008

oh the joys and wonders of pms.
how its ok if you suck the life out of everyone and everything who's trying to reason with you and not care.
how wonderful it feels to squish melted marshmallows with your tongue in your big cup of hot chocolate.
and then eat a whole bag of Lays right after


Tuesday, October 28, 2008


She stopped, mid-hum.
He looked up to see what interrupted the beautiful noise.
'Did you hear that?' she asked, frowning.
'.....Honey, why are you always hearing things?', he asked.
She shrugged.' I don't know. Guess I'm waiting for..a miracle or something'. She resumed her work.
This made him sad. He thought he was her miracle.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

i can make you sway II

Mani: fuck you, by the way.

for your love, and this helpless feeling.
it's so beautiful.
but it is so destructive.
i honestly have no idea what to do. no desire to do anything.
i don't want to go anywhere.
don't want to do anything
just want to sit here.
sit here and do nothing.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

i might be wrong

The image “” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.
15 blows to the back of your head
15 blows to your mind

Monday, October 13, 2008

I dream.
I dream so much, I end up clutching my bleeding heart in the morning.
My mind can't believe the images it stores then replays at a time when my body can do nothing to retaliate. Its painful feeling so helpless. Sleeping wide awake. Helpless.

Even now, so dizzy. So sleepy, but wide awake.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

He kisses every fingernail of her left hand.

Friday, October 3, 2008

cut the kids in half

no peace. two favorite people peace.

Monday, September 29, 2008


honay do dil ko fanaa
honay do dard ko tabaa.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

2 am rant.

I know it shouldn't matter. And it doesn't. I'm in love with a wonderful, talented, amazing young man. But its the differences in cliches that bring us together. I just want to look through the pockets of your skin and ask Who are you? What do you believe in? I want to not be lonely on rainy nights, I want you to not be stubborn, I want to not feel so defeated every time I think I can't complete a simple task. I want to sing to you, my love. The hollows of her eyes knock on my window pane and the kittens run for cover. The veins pop out but the stomach never goes in. Cigarette is coolness if smoked properly. Seem ponderous, caring about un-careful things. I want to not feel this torn between what? and why? and why not? I think about you in moonlit nights and the stars all seem to weep. The water is stale from sitting on a green table for too long. Little cobwebs decorate ignored corners of the room. Bedsheets have been washed, clothes picked off of the floor, surfaces anti-bacteriarised. And you still never came. The street light turns on and off at its own will. The rain won't stop, love, God is crying too much, He's so sad. Associating God with emotion is probably blasphemous on this early early Jumat-ul-Wida morning, but it makes me relate to Him more. Or Him to me, whichever comes first.

You are wrong for all the right reasons. And right for all the wrong.

the charm is wearing off


I want to

I want to be someone else, or I'll explode.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

read my lips posed to speak

Monday, September 22, 2008

no more pushing me around, thanks.

Sunday, September 21, 2008


My music is where, I'd like you to touch.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


Zh* says:
Zh* says:
i'm going straight to hell
Zh* says:
Beenish says:
hai na?
Beenish says:
it's very "lead me not into temptation...because I can find the way myself"
Zh* says:

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


WELL then. someone's finally come out of hiding and erased the entire 2008 out of their live's.

'pretty pink princess'

Monday, September 15, 2008

stop being so yum.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


It comes from within.
15 more minutes and I know I'll be bugged. What I really really need to do is start writing about people and not gibberish that only I understand:
a) It worries my friends
b) It makes no sense
c) No one's going to ask me to write a book if I keep on like this.

Must ask Bran to give me his version of 'Down is the New Up'.

I feel like busting my moves on this 4th floor of the James Cabell Library cuz its oh-so-quiet and I'm commando and I spell words in British even though I'm American. BAHA.

currently listening to : Eple by Royksopp.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

singin' This could be the day that I die,

This could be the day that I die'

Thursday, August 28, 2008

gg xD

For your ravished soul, I can only hope that there is a cure. That when you come back, you find as much dullness in the world as the world finds in you.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

the city sunsets over me

Thursday, August 14, 2008

your kitchenette

this is it.
a few hours more and all that will be left is empty closets and dusty books. remains that were unimportant, but that you will hold on to for dear life.
this is it.
i'm sorry,but i'm not coming back.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

He kissed H but had a cutout of K ready for decision day.
H blamed her mom.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

you inspire me

so i let go.

Monday, August 4, 2008

earth to bella

When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it?
If it was someone you truly loved?

Saturday, August 2, 2008

i am SO MAD right now.
this is not what she deserves.
this is not what anyone deserves.

fuck you, you fucking cunt.
you fucking, fucking WASTE of SPACE.
i wish you never existed.
yes, its that bad.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

cinammon girl

It has to be mom.
No one else can l...
You are leaving, you are gone for good.
You told your friends, you'd never come back here again.
What is your goal?
Remember: destroy thyself in achieving it.
Don't scare your soul, don't scream out loud.
This unfamiliar sofa is sooooo comfortable.
I worry people. Maybe I need a shrink after all?
I know I'm wrong. I must rest my eyes. Times like these make me forget composure. Make me forget who I am, who I want to be, what I want.

I can feel your body writhing in undescribable pain. Its never enough, is it?

'I' is nervous.
'I' bleeds through little holes.
'I' writes on the backs of important papers.
Oh well.
I can

Monday, July 28, 2008

Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

I want to go back to an uncomplicated happy.
this is complicated.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

said the man to the lady

I will always want the one guy who stands out like a thorn in the crowd.
Your typical shy introvert, who doesn't like to/doesn't know how to dance, who probably has some amazing superpower and is actually a lot of fun once you undo his strait jacket that society put on him.

True love will wait in haunted attics.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


Why must we hurt the ones closest to us?
The terrifying truth that no one else really gives a fuck.

drink the pain you can't kick away.

Monday, July 21, 2008


This is good.
Constructive/destructive criticism is good.
Good for the mind, body and soul.

Now. Do I want to converse or go for a walk?
I mean of course there are many things to think about. And I've found out why I've stopped writing the way I used to. Everything is too boxed up. Pehle jo bhi tha, I was constantly surrounded by people, and their lives and hopes and dreams and inadequacies and all those sorts of things that you can steal and then write about. Sometimes they knew it was them, other times, not really.

And now that my writer's block has kicked in, I'm going to go devour ice cream.

Monday, July 14, 2008

life is absolutely perfect right now.

or is it?

Thursday, July 10, 2008


That's it sir,
you're leaving
The crackle of pig skin
The dust and the screaming
The yuppies networking
The panic, the vomit
The panic, the vomit
God loves his children
God loves his children

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

My friends make miracles possible every day.


Write,write,write,write. I feel so paranoid, sticky, devoid.
I want to write meaningful 2 liners, I want to move you, to not share,
share, Aderol,obsessive compulsive.
Its not that,its just that I understand, I get it, like 3 billion other people in the world, I get it. Don't you understand? You with your buzz cut, you wandering aimlessly but not lost. My brain is moving and changing rainbow colors.
Conformity? No staying between the lines,biting nails, swallowing fists.Scatterbrain,butter fingers, oil oozing out of foods. Flexible dances, so many avenues to lie in front of, so many ancient doors to open. Green, glitter, frosty (bites?shakes?), Jack the Ripper, Rush Limbau (?), Film School, summer,pretty,pretty hot summer. Falsettos. All of them, Thom, Andy, Jonsi, Devendra. The bass line.
I think I'm very disturbed,or maybe its what I want to be? An icon. A fucking icon. Don't care how. Skinny, smokey, ponderous, mysterious. There is no way not to think,not to write,not to sing,not to try and be. My soul is outlining my body as I hum gibberish. My soul is trapping me, bottle-capping my pores, inhaling my air.
Don't look at me expectantly, I don't want to talk to you, I am in a world so far removed from this one.
Full of veins, antlers, roots,magical light,secret doors, pulsating air,vibrating music,and no one.
No one?
There is always someone.
Stop the thoughts,the thinking, I,emptying.
Put me in a hole, or put me down.

Monday, July 7, 2008

The National Anthem

Give me your Sunday Disney feeling.
Let us all just mesh into this wonderful nothingness we call life, lets just get together and be. I'll catch your tears and turn them into the rain that will fall on his face in glee, like dew from early morning leaves. Unset the standards, play your music for the fairies to dance to. Take your art and let the world be your canvas. We'll let the children pick wild berries, the animals wander in the distance. Let us, for a little while, forget about all the problems our elders have laid out for us and consider ourselves lucky to be alive.
Burst into flames.
Rise from the ashes.
Collect yourself in a necklace and let someone wear you.

mom,dad Canada mein phass gaye hain.
i mean,what? no. poor things.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

The creative

You are intent on making your mark at VCU, starting with your dorm room. Your roommate won’t have to worry about decorating because bare walls and empty bulletin boards don’t last long in your presence. You’ll find your inspiration on stage with Theatre VCU, on air through VCU InSight or in print at the Commonwealth Times. Stroll through Anderson Gallery on VCU’s Monroe Park Campus or down Broad Street to check out more arts and entertainment hotspots. Got an ear for music? Join the VCU Pep Band and funnel your talent into school spirit for VCU!

Creative photo

Saturday, July 5, 2008

The best 22nd [ =( ] birthday present ever would be to see Sigur Ros in New York.
I'd pay big bucks to be in their proximity.
Tickets go on sale God knows when.
So I'm just waiting for that to happen I guess.

current mood: Pitfalls by Film School

For M

I'm staring out the window,at all the gum thats stained the concrete.Its a very gloomy,mechanical 5th of July.Very unlike a summer morning,dewy and grey.

Listen.Change does suck.
Childhood is the ease with which you sit on the floor.
'Life was easier when you could blame parents'.

Can I live with you?
I'd be your cinnamon girl, make you happy for the rest of your life.

current mood: House Fire by Someone Still Loves You Boris Yelstin

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


God its this ache in my fingers. I just have to hold a pencil and I just have to write.Its so draining.Sometimes I have absolutely nothing to say,so I just write song lyrics.
Watched the EuroCup08 in Raleigh-Durham.Who-da thunk?Downed a $5 Heineken (fuck airport bars) and had all these ugly but adoring older men to talk to. The one on my left was half Spanish, half German (what a dilemma to be in) the one on my right wasn't really taking sides. Another man was on the same flight as I and he used to work for the Swedes which is how he got into soccer,and another one's son used to play for some club ( I forget which one) and now plays for Harvard.
Anyway, sports, music, food and anti-Bushism brings people together.
I remember pissing Schweinsteiger off in my dream and A is making fun of me and I say sulking ' Shit,my one German friend.How am I gonna go to Germany now?'
Waisay,why the fuck did I pick Germany? Of all the most glorious places on Earth, I picked Germany. Fuck me sideways. Not Sweden, not Holland, not Italy, Japan or even Africa. Germany. Jahan sirf larkiyan hot hoti hain. Na khana acha, na koi scenic beauty, no yum yum culture. Kasam se, ajeeb hee hoon mein.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

p.s. guess what?

I do things deliberately so they remind me of you. Wear black, buy peanut m & ms, listen to MGMT.
I like how my sex is strong enough to make you suck your lower lip in pleasure.

Friday, June 27, 2008

I hate having a crush that I can do nothing about and then that person just stares at you with their big beautiful eyes and you blurt something stupid like 'Martians are green' and run away so they don't follow. 

I'm a reasonable man,
get off, get off, get off my case

Thursday, June 26, 2008

boyz to men

Am I pissed that I'm being blamed?

In actuality, do I really care?

Am I surprised that he's even making an effort?

Do I love and trust B like I always have?

.....I'll get back to you on that.Just cuz I don't know who's side he's on. Not that sides matter, but he's been very judgmental lately and I don't think any 'best' friend would be ok with that.

Rips through the Silence

Germany and Spain made it.
Schweinsteiger vs. Torres?
Fuck yeah.
Probably going to be late for work.Whatevs.Another 'occurence', whoop-di-do.

Way too many people telling me to watch out. And all I can think is...well...nothing.I have no reason, no person to blame. There is no other explanation other than I'm bored. Bored with having priorities,bored with being careful,bored with having a general sense of direction. I like having a mouth and a mind, and the ambition to use them together. Its nice to not care, for once. And anyway,like we both realized, this is the calm before the storm. The storm's coming and there's nothing we can do about it.

If I could have my way, I'd just write, paint, sing and photograph people for the rest of my life.

Museebat kojay kalay hee kyun peechay partay hain?
a)I'm not Indian
b)I'm not Indian
c)No,I do not want to go out anytime soon.But yes,maybe I'll think about it, just to say no.

p.s. no touchy.

Winter fog,Summer heat.

I should really take photography up again now that I have my camera back.Saw so many images that I could take a picture of.God I hope I haven't lost the touch.I just....I'm so tired and uninspired all the time.Its been eons since I last painted too.Work drains me, then moving out process drains me,then keeping up with this relationship drains me.Lacey once said 'You see beauty in the simplest things'. I just don't see things that simply anymore.
Age has set in.

God give me strength, God give me patience. Make me realize that this is the maximum level of difficulty that I will have to go through. And if not, well then prescribe me some Aderol or Prozac.Cuz Jesus knows I expect more from me than is possible.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


no more kisses at the airport.
no more fucking goodbyes.

Monday, June 23, 2008

he was patient,and stayed true

The only sounds in the Van Pelt-Dietrich Library Center are the ruffling of pages and shifting of positions on chairs or sofas.
And I have to fart really bad.


Philly reminds me of Lahore. There are always people on the streets,there's humidity everywhere,men wolf-whistling.
Sitting in S's apartment alone right now.A big fat horn noise woke me up,I don't know why she insists on leaving the windows open when the temperature is the same outside and in.Snooped around a bit in the pantry, in her closet, other general snooping entailed. There is lots of Van Gogh art (proof why we're friends,for so long even), random photographs, pictures of philly. A tiny-ish flag of Pakistan sits on top of the microwave,along with Twinings tea bags, shot glasses and plastic flowers.There is an 'Apple' sticker on almost every appliance.I ate most of her red Starbursts,I hope she doesn't notice.And anyway,there's only healthy stuff in her pantry.99% fat free minestrone soup, special K, e.v.o.o, grilled salmon and soy milk in her fridge. I got frozen palak paneer and parathas and other such gunky stuff to last me the while I'm here. I eat little, but I eat unhealthy.
I know this place is going to become unbearable in a couple of hours, so I'm going to Google nearby things and just go and explore. Forgot my camera at Chachoo's place,so exploring won't be as fun as I would've wanted it to be,but oh well. Must admit that the futon is not so heavenly comfortable and streaming Sigur Ros's new album is giving me an orgasm as we speak.
My dreams have been very unhealthy and almost biblical in meaning lately. I don't understand what the end of the world has to do with me. Why must I witness hurricanes and tornadoes and child labor and priests misguiding people for dinosaurs to eat them.Does it..

Oh I don't know.

Me and M are repairing ourselves.And just as I said that, I feel like we're still so far off from being repaired. Can't say things aren't slightly looking up though, bless telecommunication and Mamoo and M's patience to just get things done.I'm glad him and Esther don't write anymore. There was something just so eerily similar about their word order.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

British tampons can suck on my left nut.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

so knives out

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

its in the way he says he loves
its never enough

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


I've ran out of words to say
to make you go away
to drive you to insanity
to try and make you believe
how so very hard i am to read

keep the words
they are yours to have
anything to distract to make
you leave

I do love you,its not that
just tired of using you
my love has worn you out
made you a man
made you understand

we are like cookie dough
sweet to eat and sick in the stomach
the sugar clings to the cells
and gives us little heart attacks
every dying day

just stay.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"I never went to f****** university. I don’t know what a paint brush is, I never went to art school."

i did. it taught me to respect other artists.


Sunday, June 8, 2008

i'm a movement by myself,
but i'm a force when we're together.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

oy vey.
Love keeps you up all night. Or most of the night.
The desire to be moves people to an almost insane state.Like a freak show.
I've seen too much,yeah I've seen enough.

Click the top off
lick the wine

Wait to land in
a bucket of time

Melt the snow cap
watch it drain

watch it contaminate
watch it taint

Be careful,H.I can't decide whether I'm pissed or sympathetic.I'm so helpless.I have to listen to you rant,and I can feel your desperation.I feel it when you sigh,I feel it when you try to change the subject.I feel it all,I feel it all. And there is nothing I can do to make any of it better.


Friday, May 30, 2008

gracefully falling back to the arms of grace

He sleeps with the quiet ferociousness of unrepeated history.He is kind,gentle...patient.I am not scared anymore.Of what may or may not come. Because I will have had him, at least once, in a stretch, all to myself. He would have been there once, to fix my shoe, cover me in warmth, slip inside me with ease. He completes the emptiness with his own ridges and we fit like missing pages of a book.
I took the ring away. I don't remember what our first token of love was, or when it was, but this is definitely one of the first ones. And I have stayed true to my word, my own word. The earring is very much there. He seemed a bit off, bored almost mundane. Like I am when he comes to my country. I don't blame him which is why I suggested somewhere like Dubai or New York, somewhere we've both never really lived before.
Holding his hand is lie dipping your own hand in a pool on a hot summer day. Your hand drowns but you know it'll be safe. I feel like a bit of a sap writing so passionately about someone I'm so unbelieveably used to now. Its just been so long since I've written anything significant,anything normal for others to read. Its always the same old, boy broke my heart because of self-created reasons and insert random exotic chick,sob stories of depressing songs and frozen dinners.Buss.Enough now. What I need to do is stop looking for nothing because everything I could POSSibly want is already there. Love, friendship, chocolate, sexy legs,science major,flights to foreign places. Its amazing. I feel moved, alive, reborn. So many positive things to do when I get home
* look for apartment
*study abroad applications
*buy fiery lipstick
*upload/edit london pictures

Hey baby, I decided to paint my fingernails anyway.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I can paint like she does now. Not as great, not as inspiring, not as dull, but at least now there is nothing she can do that I can't.
Do you like me now?
Do you like me enough?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

i need to get laid.
cheers to new friends and lots of random people too.

Sunday, April 27, 2008


you've been hurt,so its ok to be bad for a little while.
even if that little while is forever.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

it was valentine's day.
wie konnte dich?

Sunday, April 13, 2008

i've made mince meat out of him and shoved him under the gravel and i'm still not satisfied.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

i want to talk to him.
i really just want to talk to him.

(and now i know why i never want to share music with you anymore)

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

you know what i hate?
wet kisses.
and all the guys i've kissed are wet for two,who shall remain anons.other than that...yeah..just pisses me right off.
so i obviously have no intentions of being monogamous,as was displayed by my somewhat stupidity an aspiring finance-person wouldn't/shouldn't be too'll be an experience.hey,i'll even throw a ball at myself for it.
but yeah...wet